The Secret Life of a Lawyer- Rule #2: Thou Shall Not Have a Life

In between going out of profession due to mental illness/addiction and being the perfect lawyer, there are the majority of us who go through what I do but can’t talk about it because of fear and consequences of talking. After an out-pour of supportive emails and messages, I am going to continue writing about things that you do not hear or see when it comes to life as a lawyer. And what we go through on a day to day basis just to survive. If you want to know how this story started, click here. If you want to judge, please stop reading right now. 

Work Life Balance is Usually Just a Dream

I was about to completely go out of the profession and close down my business tomorrow morning. My family was at my place because they thought I had become insane and were trying to help me. In those moments of absolute trauma and pain, my brain could’t suggest anything other than getting out to get better… and the reasons are written here.

“Why can’t you maybe reduce your work and court litigation to have a work life balance?”, asked dad.

Trial Lawyer Has No Work Life Balance. Does Not Have a Choice

Dad, have you ever found yourself in a situation when someone’s child has been abducted, it is 8 p.m., you are trying to cook dinner and have a relaxing night? and then a call or email comes in telling you that the child’s life is in your hands?

I do not have choice. I do not have control over work life balance. My life is dictated by what people throw at me. I am not a victim. I signed up for this. But please don’t tell me I am doing anything wrong or I could somehow make this better. I am looking at the situation and prioritizing someone else’s future over my free time because that is the right thing to do. I may lose my dinner but they have their child or life to lose.

Dad, have you been in a situation when you have a court hearing tomorrow and at 6 p.m. you get served with an 80 page affidavit spewing a whole bunch of none-sense at you and the only solution is to respond to it because the hearing needs to go on tomorrow? Tell me how I am supposed to have a work life balance when I have no choice. When I have no control. And when I know people are throwing money at me to win their case and if I lose, they lose their money and also a part of their life and future. Oh and I can’t just say that I deny everything in the affidavit because that is not good enough. I need to respond to every paragraph of this 80 page affidavit in detail so my client does not lose. That is what is expected of me by the judge otherwise at a very minimum I will get yelled at and lose my reputation as a good lawyer, and at worst I will lose my case.

I mean I do have the option of asking the judge to adjourn the hearing tomorrow so I have time to respond…actually no I don’t. An adjournment means my client may have to go bankrupt, or the legal fees will sky rocket and I have to face court delays which means I would have to wait for several months before having a chance to get in front of a judge. So no I really do not have a choice.

Tonight, I will be with my client until midnight typing up a response affidavit which God forbid if it has a single spelling mistake, otherwise I will be reprimanded  by the judge or the other lawyer. Oh, did I tell you I am not allowed to make mistakes? if I do, I will be sued for negligence. And there goes my entire career in law. My dreams of becoming QC. My dreams of becoming a judge. Or a ‘respected member’ of my legal community.

Corporate Lawyer Has No Life. Doesn’t Have a Choice.

Dad, imagine you are  working in a big corporate firm and your biggest corporate client says they need a contract finalized by tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. and therefore, you get in your car at 10 p.m., run to the office and work away until 7:59 a.m. straight to make sure the partners are pleased that the corporate client is pleased and everything is jolly except your poor brain and heart.  At least at 8 a.m. when everyone strolls in to the office you still have a chance of staying at the firm because you know there are 30 other lawyers just as good as you fighting to stay on and maybe just maybe, become a partner one day.

If I am a corporate lawyer and reduce my work, I will be fired on the spot because I have a billable target to meet and if I don’t meet it, I will be replaced by the next ambitious, driven law student who has nothing on her mind except working day and night to become that lawyer she sees on Suites.

The Secret Life of a Lawyer: Thou Shalt Never Make a Mistake

If I make is mistake, at the very minimum I will be attacked by another A type judge telling me I didn’t do proper preparation. I will lose my reputation as a good lawyer because judges talk to each other about me. This is something they have said over and over at our legal seminars. Don’t screw up. Screw up once and you will lose your reputation. At worst I will lose my case because I forgot to put the right word  in my submissions or affidavits.

This is a high stakes fight between often smart lawyers who are both perfectionists and want to win, and a judge who sits there investigating and analyzing who did better. I am supposed to be perfect regardless of how much time I had to think about or prepare my materials. And I will get no sympathy for what I have gone through because no one cares for anything that is not on paper. All that matters is what is before the courts.

Your Honour, those mornings before the court hearing you will never see or know that I had been up all night making sure what I put before you is perfect. You will never see the amount of times my body reacted through headaches, upset stomach, insomnia, nightmares, lack of sleep and difficulty breathing.

You will never know the agony I have gone through to make sure you see me eye to eye and that I have the proper case precedent to put before you no matter how late the opposing argument came through.  And I will never get any recognition for what I did expect the possible relief of knowing that I didn’t lose and you ruled in my client’s favour.

If you don’t rule in my favour , I will have to spend the following days or weeks convincing my client that the fault was not mine and that I did nothing wrong. If I am lucky my client will understand. If I am not, I will be subject to months if not years of investigation by the Law Society. I will be put under the microscope for everything I have ever said or done, and I will be subject to people focusing on every single minor or major judgment I may have ever made in dealings no matter how much I tried to be careful and have the right judgment. I don’t blame them. They are there to protect the public’s interest. But in the process, I will be spending  months or years filled with anxiety or anticipation of what they will say or do because my career and my license that I worked for 16 years is on the line.

I will worry about public sanctions or hearings for anything I did, purposely or unpurposely, to be aired for everyone to see. Luckily I have never been there, but I have seen too many lawyers or colleagues being subject to this and having to deal with this for the rest of their lives.

I Have to Get Out to Have a Work Life Balance

I am a soldier. I don’t accept defeat. I don’t accept failure. I spent 16 years of my life getting good at this. This can’t be the ending. This can’t look good. But if I don’t listen to my body and brain, my only solution will be to find a temporary fix to heal my pain.

A bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes work much better when my body is too numb and tired to push itself into the gym. And more importantly, going to the gym means losing an hour of the short block of time I have before I have to go in front of a judge to present my case. I can have a cigarette and keep on drinking while I sit here working and numb myself to the screams of my body and brain telling me to stop.

I will either have to use substances and continue, or I will need to stop.

To many of my lawyer friends, substance abuse was the temporary solution which ultimately made them lose everything. I had a chance to get out without losing everything. And I had to make a decision right now before it was too late.

Dad listened intently and thought about what I said for a long time. Dad had served in the military and the navy. Then he went on to become an  architect despite having two little daughters, a wife and a life he needed to improve upon to give us a better life. He always pushed me and downplayed my challenges.

The Champion in Me

“Do You Remember the 6 year old running champion?”, said dad.

I was 6 years old and my sister was 7. During the summer, every weekend there was a running competition. My sister often came in third and I always came in last or second to last. I never won any awards.

One morning when we were getting in to the car to go to the running competition, my mom looked at my sister and I and said “rose (my sister), I hope you can come in first this time and maybe Leena (me) can come in third”. Her words pierced through my head. Why couldn’t I come first? What was wrong with me?

The competition started and I ran as fast as I could. The run was like a marathon and felt very long. I ran so hard that at one point I couldn’t feel my legs. They were automatically running and I was losing control. But I kept on running. Unafraid of falling. I passed my sister along the way but didn’t know how far I had gone. I reached the finish line and thought I had probably finished last or second to last and that my sister had done a terrible job this time.

To everyone’s surprise, I had finished first. By a long shot.  And I continued finishing first for every single competition thereafter regardless of the hundreds of kids running in the same race. I won so many prizes to the point that organizers asked my dad if I would not run in the competition because other kids were feeling hopeless as they could never win. When I refused, the organizers turned the running competition into a lottery competition where it didn’t matter who won. Even when they did, I won the winning ticket out of luck. I won a total of 8 stereos, 4 clocks and multiple sports wear. It took several months before another girl superseded me and won my spot. But that experience shaped who I became as an adult. My career at 32 was no different. Pain only made me grow and made me fight harder.

Being a lawyer and this type of fight though, was not for the faint of heart. And I had to find that running champion in me to find a healthy way out.

To read how this all started go to Part 1: click here.

For Part  3 on the climax, click here.

For Part 4 on pleasing, click here.

For Part 5 on how it all ended, click here. 

For Part 6 on bullying at the work place, click here. 

For Part 7 and my transformation, click here.

Leena Yousefi – [email protected]