Life After Your Family Law Trial: The Good and the Ugly

Life after your family law trial is one of the main things that keeps me happy about being a family lawyer.  People I meet going through their separation or divorce are the worst versions of themselves. Confused and scared, they need help. A hand that protects them and goes through their lows with them when they are anxious and sometimes, angry. I want to tell you about the good and the ugly of separation as I observe them by being a family lawyer. But before that, I want to tell you that most times it becomes a wonderful life experience for you depending on how you want to look at it. Let me explain:

Life After Your Family Law Trial – The Ugly

The ugly usually happens during and just after separation. Many years of love and hope have come to an end and it doesn’t matter who initiated it, it is painful regardless. People make a mistake thinking if someone broke up with them it is more painful for them. That’s not always true. The person who breaks it off usually just does it because he/she can’t take more pain and is ready either to give up or find an easy way out (having an affair). It doesn’t mean they are enjoying the process.

I have to admit, sometimes as much as I try to be there and understand, the situation is too painful to stay in. And it makes me wonder how strong they are that they somehow know they have to finish it, and then deal with a lawyer who has to leave their case. I am the least likely to get off your case because I have too much passion, but I do sometimes because everyone has a threshold. But my heart goes out to you – divorce and separation are some of the heaviest and most painful periods of life anyone can go through, but here’s the good news:

Life After Your Family Law Trial – the Good

There is absolutely nothing I have seen in the world that teaches you so much about life. About you and about where you are going. It humbles you. It makes you feel human and capable of pain. And pain is the strongest force for change. And change is often challenging but a blessing at the end. Sometimes separation is liberating, like you got your wings back and now you appreciate how to fly. You understand what life was should be all about: experiences and lack of expectations. Separation will bring out the worst of you, challenge you to the limits of tolerance and sometimes break you down. We deal with clients going through this period often and it is not easy on anyone. But what always puts a smile on our face is seeing who they become after the storm is over.

Life after your family law trial means appreciating everyone who was there for you and feeling the joy of being lucky enough to have them around you. Understanding that life can’t be taken for granted and that it has so many hidden and unexpected gems, all you can do is ride the waves and enjoy the right here and right now. You learn to make better decisions in the future which will ultimately bring you joy and happiness. As one of my very wise friends said: ‘everything that happens in life is either because of love or because of lack of love’.

I have seen so many men and women who actually find themselves and their happiness after separation. It feels like they actually needed it as painful as it was. Before being a lawyer I questioned the men or women who got in to a relationship when their partner was going through a separation, specially when there were kids involved. But to be honest, these people tend to be strong, supportive and non-judgmental. Usually they end up marrying or having common law relationships with their partner and live very happily ever after. Who are we to judge these people? Maybe we need to learn from them instead. That is at least what I have done.

Your Life After Your Family Law Trial – Settlements and Trials

The best separations are the ones that are fair and do not place so much worth on money. If you just focus on moving on and compromising, your separation or divorce will be easier than the others. It won’t heal your emotional wounds but it doesn’t add financial wounds which are inevitable if you go to court or trial. These separations focus on emotional health and closure rather than fighting about the past. People who fight about the past need closure and peace which is understandable. But it comes at a high price if they fight through the courts. Do the courts really help you put closure on your relationship?

Closure of Your Relationship Through the Courts

Almost all lawyers will tell you that the law and the courts are only there to put an end to your financial or custody issues and do not care much about the mistakes you or your ex-partner made in the past. That is true but it’s not the whole story. Your past may not play a factor in to the judgement but just telling your story to a stranger and seeking validation from them is sometimes more important than the money itself.

I have seen many clients finding peace in judgements. The fact that an intelligent human being such as judge sees you eye to eye and relates to you may be more important than the money you may spend on your case. If that intelligent person thinks you were in the wrong and made mistakes, they will give you the motivation to change as hard as it may be to swallow. And I do not agree that court is a stupid thing to do because sometimes something more than money needs to help you get to the next stage of your life.

That may be what I call “court closure”. Court closure is when a judge hears your case over a number of days and comments on how you and your spouse were during and after separation. If the judge likes you, he/she may exercise her/his discretion not only to validate you but also grant you more orders or awards than usual. So whether you want to settle or go to court is a personal and unique choice which should not be judged by anyone — it is your personal choice and I for one will respect it. However, please don’t take this as me glamorising trial. It is anything but.. it is stressful, exhausting and sometimes traumatic. It is best to be avoided but if you have to do it, I don’t think it’s an entirely negative experience — specially in the long run.

If you have questions about separation and whether you should settle or litigate, contact our award winning firm at 604-974-9529 or email [email protected]