Custody Rights for Men in BC – What You Need to Know | Part 1

As a father’s rights family lawyer, I know that custody rights for men is a controversial and difficult issue in BC family law.  Fathers bring as much value and love to a child’s life as mothers do but so often, mothers don’t understand that. And many mothers will fight tooth and nail to make sure they get more time with their children than men or fathers do.

This article (Part 1) talks about the reasons why some mothers try to take away custody rights for men and how to respond to them. Part 2 of this article, talks about strategies to use in the courtroom if all else fails. You need to read both articles to have the appropriate tools to respond to the mother when a custody issue arises.

To understand how to win a custody fight against the mother, you first need to know what makes her act the way she does when you separate.

Take it from me, a female family lawyer who has seen more battles on this issue than I can count.  If you are that devoted, loving father who will fight for your child’s right to have you in her/his life, read this blog very carefully and listen to all the advice that it will give. 

Before I get into it, I must say that many mothers are amazing, incredible and selfless. Many mothers I have met will do anything for their kids and will keep a level head. They will allow and encourage the child to have a good relationship with the father. This article relates to those mothers who have lost their focus. If the mother in your life is one of those people, then you need to read the below information:

Custody Rights for Men – The Root Issue

Why does the mother try to take as much time away from you as possible when you separate? More often than not it’s in her nature and the way she was brought up as a child. Let’s look at some of the root causes:

• Anxiety – women by nature look for security from their men. They also want security in their children’s lives. When you and your spouse separate, you take that security, that feeling of a family away from her. So the only thing that will remind her of security and love is the child. If she perceives you taking that security or love away from her, she will fight every battle to make sure you lose. That means she will fight to keep the child as much as possible which means keeping her/him away from you. The anxiety of losing yet another love of her life, her world and her security will make her do many irrational things, including making false allegations against you in an attempt to keep the child away from you. On top of that and in some cases she would think that you would be the perfect target. Because she will have a reason to be mean to you – you hurt her so you deserve it. In these cases,  the fight will not be about the child, it will be about who you are and who she is. And in that process, the child will be harmed and hurt. You should not play in this game and how you do that is explained here.

• Loneliness – Men generally bounce from separation much more quickly than women do. Women may want to keep on staying in your life and having a connection with you through fighting. When you fight someone, you get their attention. Sometimes to her getting any type of attention is better than getting no attention.  So in her fight to get your attention, she may use your child as a weapon to fight you and get you to respond. It is therefore very important that you do not give her any attention and instead focus only on your child. So you answer any allegations she makes against you regarding your child, but you do not stoop down to fighting at her level. But that’s not the end. Loneliness is a difficult fact of life. A child takes away the lonely feeling and brings joy to the mother’s life. Losing the child or losing time with him/her means being lonely. And women try to avoid that feeling as much as possible.

• Attachment – For better or worse, the mother has gone through a life growing inside of her. Every kick brought a smile to her face. Every sign of life brought power and joy to her life. Pregnancy is a hard stage of life but she went through it for 9 months and did what she could to make sure the child is healthy and alive. When she gave birth, she felt something larger than life – a life being taken out of her body and put in her arms. Then she spent the first few months constantly tending to the child’s needs and feeding her. The child took comfort feeding from her breasts and formed a loving, deep, peaceful bond with her. Then she raised the child the best she could and now she is faced with a situation where she has to let go of the child to be with you. This is never easy on her because in the normal course of things she’d be with you and the child at the time.

But what she forgets in the course of her anxiety, loneliness and attachment, is the value, the love and joy YOU as the father brought to the child’s life. 

So what do you do to make sure your child gets as much love and affection and as much as possible from both of you?

Custody Rights For Men – How to Get Them

How you strategize to win custody rights for your child is a direct response to the above-noted feelings the mother has. Let’s look at these:

• Response to Anxiety – instead of fighting her, tell her that you both have the same goal. You both love the children. You will both be connected through the child. Tell her that the child’s best interests are not always the same as her best interests. Remind her of how much value and love you also brought to the child’s life and ask her to be selfless as much as it hurts. Assure her that you will take care of the child and you wanting to see the child has nothing to do with wanting to take the child away from her.

• Response to Loneliness – Tell her that she has always sacrificed for her child and this time, she can’t sacrifice the child because of her loneliness. Tell her that she must deal with her loneliness on her own and the child is not responsible for her loneliness. The child deserves to be happy and have the love of everyone around him and. Loneliness and need for companionship with hurt the child in having to tend to her needs rather than the child’s needs.

• Response to Attachment – Send her pictures of the happy child with you, and make her see that the child also has an attachment to you. And that he/she is happy in your case. Tell her that you understand how hard it is for her to detach but it’s a fact of life. Animals abandon their cubs so that their cubs can learn how to survive. And surviving for a child means socializing and forming bonds with more than just one person…

But If All Else Fails and When you have to Fight…

Custody Rights for Men – When You have to Fight

If she is not going to listen to understand anything you say or do, you’ll have no choice but to fight for your child’s rights. To do that, you need to know the following:

1. What are the best interests of your child? Read them here.
2. What is the best strategy for winning fathers’ rights in BC? Read them here.
3. Do you want shared or sole custody? Read about them here and here.

But remember, every case is different and it is always best to talk to a family lawyer to learn how to properly strategize your case. Your strategy and your image mean everything and a google article will only tell you so much. Call us at 604-9749529 or get in touch to set up a consultation with our award-winning lawyers.