Transformation- Secret Life of a Lawyer Part 7
Transformation- Secret Life of a Lawyer Part 7
I have become brave enough to talk about now. Not the past. You’d think my life is like walking on the clouds right now. It is not. I just became one of the top 25 most influential lawyers in Canada. I am leading the fastest growing female lead law firm in BC, possibly Canada, possibly North America. I am getting married in two weeks…errr 3 days at the time of my last edit. But I am not me. I am breaking. And excited about it because I know when I break I transform, and all I can do is to embrace it open arms.
I am going to tell you all about it. Because none of our lives is perfect. To try to make it look that way is to pretend we are not human. If I can’t be human, I won’t be able to connect with you.
“I love you. I wasn’t like this before. I am sorry” said my fiancé.
It is August 18, 2018. He looks at me with his deep blue eyes, hands holding my face, eyes locked into mine. We are in the middle of the dance floor at a wedding and we have stopped dancing. People all around us have blurred into the background.
My heart breaks. I am back to where I did not want to be. He used to be calm. Came from a small town in Ireland where instead of cars, you could only hear the sheep and goats. Roads were so narrow they barely fit one car. You’d look at the sky at night and there were so many stars you’d barely see the darkness behind them. You were a guest in nature. You didn’t own it. And you moved at the natural pace.
I made him move to downtown. To the unnatural noise. The speed. The relentlessness of human made stress. Drunk people. Expensive Cars. The pretentiousness. The race to look perfect. The housing market. Politicians. Fake lashes. Hair extensions. High heels. Expensive menus. The dogs that we groomed and bread to look like luxury dolls.
And I? I never have time for anything. Every minute is taken over by doing one of the million tasks I subject myself to. How did I get here again. I haven’t taken a one hour lunch on my own in 9 years (except if it is a business lunch that has an important purpose). Lunch is usually getting my assistant to get me some food while I am glued to the computer working on something. I often don’t even have 5 minutes to walk out and get it on my own.
Lately I come home at 8 or 9 p.m. every day, pass him by saying hi, get on my computer and keep on working. Or I cook because I feel so guilty for neglecting him. Neglecting me. I have trained myself to cook in less than 30 minutes because I need another 2-3 hours to work on everything I didn’t get to in the 11 hours I spent at the office today. I have been in the rat race of Vancouver for 9 years, and now I have brought him into it.
Lately I have been questioning everything. Every choice I have made in my life. My heart is finally talking to me and I am here to finally listen. The tears bring its message to my eyes. They are not sad. These tears are me feeling a massive change coming over and I am vulnerable, overwhelmed, but excited. And I have never felt this fragile but human before.
I wake up the next morning. I grab my coffee and stare at the fire haze over Kelowna. I sit there for 2 hours quietly. My racing mind has finally slowed down. I feel like there are 100 bricks on my heart, and when it tries to open up my chest gets heavy and the only way I can release the weight is to cry. But I can feel the lightness after all this. The pain is deep but feels worth it.
These Days… the Wedding Days
This week Victoria was on vacation, one of my assistants quit because I wasn’t who she thought I was , and Lee, my rock, my heart and my soul told me he is moving to Scotland. I feel like I was sitting on a chair and 3 of its legs just broke.
Instead of feeling these days and being in the moment, I am dealing with trials, employees coming and going, deals, contracts, hiring, firing, negotiations, kids not being returned to parents, urgent court hearings, branding, renovations, photoshoots, marketing, search engine optimization, social media, winning cases, losing cases, doing mediations, barely talking to my friends, barely talking to my family, barely talking to my parents. Barely taking care of myself and my relationship.
How did I get here again. I thought this would never happen again.
Today, I sit with him for 3 uninterrupted hours at brunch. And I cry and I tell him. He listens and looks on, thinking of how rare it is to see me this vulnerable. He judges me based on little habits around the house and often thinks I am am puzzle that makes no sense and he can never resolve despite being an architect and knowing how to resolve anything and everything no matter how big or small. But this one time, he just listens and doesn’t judge me.
I become myself, my soul speaks and there is no defence, no offence, no blaming, no excuses. Just me being vulnerable. And in those moments, I connect with his soul. And he agrees with me. He supports me.
He and Eugene.
Eugene is that incredibly brilliant soul I have never met in person. He is from Ottawa and got in touch with me after he read my Secret Life of a Lawyer Series. I emailed him last week and told him I was lost. That I wasn’t sustainable anymore and I needed to find my home. He replied and told me he would tell me 10 things. But the first thing was as follows:
“Ask yourself what makes you happy. Do it”.
As simple as what he said was, it confirmed and changed my purpose. And I will tell you about it in the next blog.
Thank you for your support.
Written by Leena Yousefi.
To read how this all started go to Part 1: click here.
To read part 2 on addiction, click here.
For Part 3 on the climax, click here.
For Part 4 on pleasing, click here.
For Part 5 on how it all ended, click here.
For Part 6 on how bullying got me to where I am, click here.