Surrender – Secret Life of a Lawyer | Part 8
Surrender – Secret Life of a Lawyer | Part 8
3 weeks into our marriage and instead of going on our honeymoon, I took off my wedding band and engagement ring and placed them in his hands at the airport (for safekeeping) as I said goodbye. Instead of going on a romantic honeymoon, I had decided to travel alone to some of the poorest and most remote countries in the world for a month. Why? Because it is very difficult to fight what your soul tells you to do. It had started talking to me after what happened in August which I wrote about here. I knew something profound would happen but except for husband, no one believed me. Everyone else either disagreed, judged me or thought I was absolutely insane to do this right after we got married.
I heard a few times in Nepal that I was simply a ‘loose woman’. I forgave whoever said it because they simply couldn’t understand that I didn’t do it for any other purpose than to follow my soul and connect with a higher power.
Before I go on, here is us at our wedding:
Before you read what follows, note that I am not a religious person, do not have a religion, and it has taken me over a month and over 80 tries just to be able to put what I experienced into words. Read it for what it is and take what you need from it. There will be a second part to this experience. This is part 1.
Table of Contents
First, Be Alone At Any Cost – Even Death
Here I am, walking the streets of Nepal on my own. Anxiety sets in because I can no longer distract me from myself through human conversations. I take a bus for 10 hours and finally reach the town from which I am set to do a 7 day trek, lost in the Nepalese mountains, hoping to reach the top.
3 days in, my soul once again starts fighting with my brain and forces me to tell my guide I cannot be around anyone including him, even if it means I get lost and die in the mountains. A few days ago, 12 people died in these mountains and it was all over the news.
I finally get the guts to kindly, patiently, somehow find the words to explain to him that:
- I want him to leave,
- I want no money back,
- There are no problems with him,
- I just need to do this on my own because something is telling me I should.
Hardest thing to explain to a man in a country where women hardly even go outside of their own home without a male, let alone travel half way across the world to massive and dangerous mountains with no help from anyone.
He refuses to leave. I refuse to give up. Another 3 days of explaining and negotiating and finally on the last day of the trek, he leaves. I get 8 hours to myself in the mountains. This is at the peak, at sunrise, the morning he left:
Finally it begins to happen. And everything starts making sense.
Second, Meet Him and Surrender
I finish my descend from the mountains. Less than 24 hours later, I am on a boat rafting down a long river in the south of Nepal. I am sitting in the back of the boat as it slowly floats down the river. I look around me at the mountains and my eyes follow a bird and a butterfly that keep on following the boat.
All the sudden the air starts feeling wavy, colours become so vibrant they start popping out of the mountains and the river, the rocks looks softer, the trees looks like they are making love to the wind, and then…. then a wave of the most powerful energy I have ever experienced takes over me as I get immersed into something infinite. I enter the spiritual world, a world more vibrant and powerful than this world could ever even dream of.
I never understood what surrender really meant until that day. It was the only choice I had and as I did I fell more and more in love. I felt so fragile, so insignificant, yet so loved and lifted that I left the world for few minutes and got immersed in that love. In those moments, I heard nothing, saw no one and felt nothing but a love no human has ever given me. I cried for hours, and all I remember in those moments is saying I love you over and over. I felt something… I will call him God. He was so powerful, yet so understanding of my emotions. I felt like he was smiling at me crying, kindly observing me reacting to his presence and letting me love him as much as I wanted to.
Then after a few hours he sent a sign to stop me from crying. I felt the water from the river softly hit my thigh and the Butterfly that followed the boat sat on it and did not leave for a good 10 minutes, until the exact moment I stopped crying. Once I did, it gently flew away. That night and for the next three nights, I slept by the river bank under the stars and stared at the moon for hours in pure nature and without ever going inside a tent. I wanted to feel it again.
I cried on and off for 7 days after that experience but my face was glowing more than it has ever before. I had never felt more peaceful and happy. As if I was so light I almost had no weight. I had cleansed my soul, that is why it so badly wanted me to do this. I did not want to be around humans. Everyday I got away and went for hikes that lasted sometimes more than 8 hours, did yoga retreats, desperately tried to get back to what I experienced in those few minutes on the river. But I couldn’t. Finally some wise, spiritual woman told me:
The more you chase after it, the less you will experience it. All you can do is to stay open and loving. And it may just come back when you least expect it.
And so I did.
In those moments of euphoria, while being in that alternate world which is now more real than anything I have ever experienced, a few messages were relayed to me. They were simple and were as follows:
Message #1: Achievements
Everything human made achievement I have obtained means nothing. This includes my education, work, any admiration, any awards, any money and any worldly possession I have. All that matters are my relationships with those who matters to me, how much I helped and gave to others, how much I loved and how much I loved myself without any ranks humans ever gave me.
Message #2: I am Not Being Kind
I am fragile and insignificant. But loved. I have been mean and unfair to myself because I have worked myself to the bones to once again prove to some other insignificant humans that I am powerful and significant. And I am not.
Message #3: Conflict
Conflict is human made and makes us feel significant and powerful. We simply are insignificant and powerless on over 99% of our lives.Conflict and litigation has been the main source of my anxiety, panics and illnesses. The only way I can heal and be happy is through giving love and compassion. Everything must be done to find and achieve love.
Message #4: Loved
I am loved with an unending compassion no matter who I am and what I do. And all I can and should do is to love everyone around me with compassion no matter who they are and what they do.
We change not because we agree or disagree with a feeling. We change based on how profoundly we agree or disagree with a feeling. What I experienced was profound. And it changed me forever.
Third, Get Confirmation From a BCCA Judge
I have been back to Vancouver from the trip for 2 days. Tonight I am in a suit, surrounded with politicians, judges and lawyers. Compared to the rest of the people table, I am definitely the biggest loser. I find myself with ice cold hands and a beating heart, sitting next to him and his colleagues. Pure, twisted luck that I got to sit here.
He is one of the top 12 most powerful individuals in British Columbia. And he is sitting next to me. He is a Court of Appeal judge, and is exponentially more powerful than any politicians here. If you want to know why, look up what a Court of Appeal judge can do.
I have been trained for 15 years not to get nervous, but being in his presence I have a hard time putting even a sentence together. I grab my loyal savior, the glass of red red wine and quietly sip it to calm the nerves. He is as intelligent, classy and sophisticated as humans come. He senses my nervousness and gently starts talking to me. From that most interesting and inspiring conversation I had with him that night, his simple answers to my questions proved what had become clear to me on my journey to Nepal and Indonesia. I ask him:
Looking back, what is the one thing you are proud of the most? (with no hesitation and massive smile on face) “marrying my wife”.
Looking back, what is the one thing you regret the most? (vulnerable eyes, looking down) “I wish I was kinder to myself”.
Message #1. Message #2.
Written by Leena Yousefi.
To read about the panic attacks, click here.
To read part 2 on addiction, click here.
For Part 3 on the climax, click here.
For Part 4 on pleasing, click here.
For Part 5 on how it all ended, click here.
For Part 6 on how bullying got me to where I am, click here.
For Part 7 on transformation, click here.